The 1billion in the Cynics Club have just won over yet another member.

What can you say when you're so hurt beyond compare? What can you do when you lose everything, and everything you thought you knew and were familiar with turned out to be false and you realize: you really know nothing. Nothing in this world is permanent. The joy you get, the friends you make, love.. everything fades away from you one day.. I can't help but paraphrase songs to explain what I mean..

"All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow, the less I know"

The amount of how much I have learnt; mentally and emotionally over the years, the experiences that made me mature and that have taught me life lessons... it makes me feel like:

"I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old"

I wonder if anyone else feels that way, or whether its just me. Whether I'm the only person who's been through so much. Has it got anything to do with IQ? or education or upbringing? that allows people to see the things I've seen?

"And the more I see, the less I grow"

Because I realize, everything I thought I knew, every moral I thought I'd stick with never stuck. And things keep happening every day that make me realize how little I really know about the world. If I thought I was so mature and smart before, I correct myself; I was without a doubt wrong. I know nothing. And with this,

"I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me"

But what I do see is how harsh the real world is. Whereas I was an optimist in the past, I fully declare now that I've become a cynic. There's so much that has surprised me. Which just shows that I really don't know anything, cause if I did, I would have been prepared for it. In the end, its not easy to judge someone because you'd only be able to know how they feel if you were put in their situation. I know no one could possibly imagine how much pain I've been through unless it happened to them.

"I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all"

"The more I learn, the more I learn
The more I cry, the more I cry"

I feel like the king that fell from his throne in Viva La Vida.

"I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sweep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own"

"One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt, pillars of sand"

That's how far down I feel like I've fallen.. How immense my happiness was in the past, I thought I was the happiest girl alive, I was practically king.. But now I know there was

"Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world"

Now everything is out in the open.
And reality, it really isn't that great at all.

I really.. just.. want to cry.