And if you stare into the Abyss long enough... the Abyss stares back at you. -Friedrich Nietzsche

2 Days Post-December 8th

I miss Capiks... of course, he wouldn't ever see this, he never posts on this blog.. But I misses him.

Ideally we should have covered the story behind December 8th or done some special post on it to celebrate its anniversary, but it probably didn't occur either of us. Sorry guys!

Goodnight.

The 1billion in the Cynics Club have just won over yet another member.

What can you say when you're so hurt beyond compare? What can you do when you lose everything, and everything you thought you knew and were familiar with turned out to be false and you realize: you really know nothing. Nothing in this world is permanent. The joy you get, the friends you make, love.. everything fades away from you one day.. I can't help but paraphrase songs to explain what I mean..

"All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow, the less I know"

The amount of how much I have learnt; mentally and emotionally over the years, the experiences that made me mature and that have taught me life lessons... it makes me feel like:

"I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old"

I wonder if anyone else feels that way, or whether its just me. Whether I'm the only person who's been through so much. Has it got anything to do with IQ? or education or upbringing? that allows people to see the things I've seen?

"And the more I see, the less I grow"

Because I realize, everything I thought I knew, every moral I thought I'd stick with never stuck. And things keep happening every day that make me realize how little I really know about the world. If I thought I was so mature and smart before, I correct myself; I was without a doubt wrong. I know nothing. And with this,

"I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me"

But what I do see is how harsh the real world is. Whereas I was an optimist in the past, I fully declare now that I've become a cynic. There's so much that has surprised me. Which just shows that I really don't know anything, cause if I did, I would have been prepared for it. In the end, its not easy to judge someone because you'd only be able to know how they feel if you were put in their situation. I know no one could possibly imagine how much pain I've been through unless it happened to them.

"I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all"

"The more I learn, the more I learn
The more I cry, the more I cry"

I feel like the king that fell from his throne in Viva La Vida.

"I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sweep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own"

"One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt, pillars of sand"

That's how far down I feel like I've fallen.. How immense my happiness was in the past, I thought I was the happiest girl alive, I was practically king.. But now I know there was

"Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world"

Now everything is out in the open.
And reality, it really isn't that great at all.

I really.. just.. want to cry.

They were all alone...

Let's try to remember these days back in December
Our lives were very different
I was lonely when we first met
A small upstairs apartment
Driving through the darkness to get back home
Before they knew you were even gone

You don't have to speak because I can hear your heartbeat
Fluttering like butterflies searching for a drink
You don't have to cover up how you feel when you're in love
I'll always know I'm not enough to even make you think

Please, slow down, girl
We're moving way too fast for their world
We've gotta make this last

I miss you so much, a self-inflicted coma
The days drag on like marathons running with bare feet
And when I feel the stress, I'm lonely and depressed
I picture you in the dress you wore four weeks ago

You don't have to speak because I can hear your heartbeat
Fluttering like butterflies searching for a drink
You don't have to cover up how you feel when you're in love
I'll always know I'm not enough to even make you think

Please, slow down, girl
We're moving way too fast for their world
We've gotta make this last
I know it hurts to feel so all alone
I'm by myself, more then you could know

If only they were all alone...
They were all alone...

Please, slow down, girl
We're moving way too fast for their world
We've gotta make this last
Slow down girl
We're moving way too fast for their world
We've gotta make this last

I know it hurts to feel so all alone
I'm by myself, more then you could know

If only they were all alone...
They were all alone...
They were all alone...
They were all alone...

DISCLAIMER!!, This post has no actual topic, It's most likely Gonna be venting

,

haihs, these lyrics... this song actually, has always gotten me through everything. For the past 4 years, everytime i am feeling depressed. AHHH! EMO ALERT.., i listen to this song... for some people it may not mean anything, just words, just a song. To me, this is really what gets me through everything when theres noone else. I always seem to dig my own grave, and it never really gets me far.

People have called me a liar, a bitch, a fuck, pantat, cibai, bangsat... Whatever curse in any language you can find, i have probably been called that.. I am known as All talk No action, or NATO, No action talk only. I guess i have. I've live my life on a daily basis. Literally, i plan for the day and infact on each every day, i do what my mind first tells me to do. This doesn't really get me far. This is probably digressing, but it's just a 'terus terang' or just being 'frank' about who I am and my personality as percieve by others.

I have made to many mistakes in my life, and I am getting tired of thinking on a day to day basis, i really have to say I am tired... And at times like these i wish life has it's reset button.

Back to this song

December by Hawthorne Heights

December, I think, in my own personal opinion, is the most significant month for me.

Fact: December 8th 1990, was the day i was born.

I've always loved celebrating my birthday, ever since i was little... it was an excuse to get all my friends together, and celebrate being a year older. As time went by, friends became less, and so my birthday became less important. Which eventually led to me not caring about my birthday. It became just another day on my calender, and nothing to look foward too.(Sad but true) 

December 8th 2007. Yes i thought to myself... I get to meet her... Whom i've been waiting for. HER i said to myself waking up that morning.. It was something to good to be true, something i only saw in movies. The girl i could never tell my feelings towards her for. The girl who's been in my life since i was 12. The girl who whilst being millions of miles away, i dreamt of, only thinking she lives in my dream. Honestly. 

My thoughts that morning went all blur, high, light, heavy. filled with emotion and confusion. I was high on something i did not take, something non existent and something which reacted with my body, mind, and even soul instantly..

This high lasted the whole month and beyond even untill this day, no chemical, substance, anything physical can get me this high above the ground. But alas, as we humans were made without wings.. I was destined to fall. Fall fast, Fall hard, Fall flat on my face. Now falling here is ambigious, two separate meanings. 

1. The good.

Her hair, her face, her eyes, her body, her voice, her legs, her waist, her ass, her style, her hair tie, her shoes, her pants, her shirt, her laugh, her expressions, her kindness, her shyness, her getting angry, her getting annoyed, and the list, i swear, keeps going. Her everything. Was so imperfectly perfect, amazing, and pure. I was walking through my own dream, because i swear, the journey to meet her took hours for me, while in reality it wasnt that long. My mind exploded with questions of what to say, what to do, what to wear?! Oh my god my mind exploded. And No girl, i can tell you nw, no girl has ever gotten me to care about my appearance, my personality, or to even cared. And she did without having to utter a single word. The day went by perfect, and it was the first perfect day I've ever had.. I never looked at the place the same again... I never looked at my birthday this way ever, and alas, my excitment for my next birthday to come flushes right through me again, a barrage of emotion flowed through me.

At this point in time, i had no emotion, and i couldnt care less!

I kept my cool, my walls still up. I saw her, an angel in human form i swear!. 

I fell...

hard.

fast.

flat.

I fell

My walls crumbled with a simple.. Hello.

ever since then, my goal in life was to hear that hello every morning, and to hear that goodbye just before i slept. It was suicide! I knew it was. But I didnt care. Why should i care? It was perfect.

2nd Fall.

This fall was my own fault, i will not go into detail because, at  this point on, I've made alot of regrets, and only 3 that i live with everyday. One, is how i treat my parents, Two is how i left anis, the only friend that i've ever trusted fully, and Three, well. That is something I dont want to relive over and over again in my life, but it still does. And will, and forever will. I fell from that high, that emotion, because i made a stupid mistake, something i could never take back, and never forget. I hurt HER. yes HER that girl, that angel, that imperfectly perfect amazingly pure angellic girl. HER!...  destroyed the purpose in which i have gotten accustomed to.. that hello, that goodbye.. Protecting her from harm from other people, but in the end, i should have been protecting her from me

And now, every minute that goes by feels like hours, and everyday feels like weeks, and waiting for the next week just feels like its months away. I've been selfish, i tried to get her to forgive me, because i thought i couldnt live without her, and that she can just forgive and forget. I was selfish selfish selfish!.. And now do i finally realize, is not for me to do everything in my power to make ME happy, but is to make HER.. yes HER happy. Be it as a friend, a bestfriend, or more. Now again, people just personalize me as NATO.. (No action Talk only) but, i have to do this. I have too. 

I cant make myself sound like a better person, because of how I am percieved by others. But my ego is big, my heart is bigger. My ego is strong, but my heart is fragile. As is everyone elses.

My point of this is, when you love someone, stop trying to convince you love them by fighting for her love back. Convince you love someone, by pushing aside what you want, and starting to give in to what she does.

And maybe you have made this mistake, and made it twice... But i think you just have to live on knowing that she or he will be able to forgive you. And that no matter how many times you made that mistake, the next time, make sure you know you won't again. Make sure you won't. Make sure you won't just make sure you won't...

(NOTE I ALSO HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO BE REALLY DISORGANIZE, SO BEAR WITH ME WITH MY WRITING, I AM JUST WRITING ABOUT WHAT I AM FEELING, I DONT KNOW HOW TO ORGANIZE THEM, AS THEY ARE JUMBLED UP)

HIS new goal in life: keep HER happy, keep HIS selfish needs aside.

 

When there was me and you, which shall remain for me, as 

you and me 

[[.Music is our lives.]]

I'm running away from this messed up place. I don't need this kind of high 'cause now I'm done, you took everything while I was staring at the sun. Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer, do you know you're unlike any other? You'll always be my thunder. I don't ever wanna love another. Check yes, Juliet are you with me? Rain is falling down on the sidewalk. I won't go until you come outside. I'll keep tossing rocks at your window. If one day you wake up and find that you're missing me and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be. Thinking maybe you'll come back here to his place that we'd meet. What about now? What about today? What if you're making me all that I was meant to be? What if our love never went away? What if it's lost behind words we could never find? Just live your life.. my life, my life, my life.. instead of chasing that paper, just live your life.I wish i could just make you turn around, turn around and see me cry. Theres so much I need to say to you. You''re the only one who really knew me at all. In places no one would find, all your feelings so deep inside. It was then when I realized that forever was in your eyes, the moment I saw you cry. I wanted to know you, I wanted to make your everything alright. Dreams were meant for sleeping, wishes on a star just don't come true. 'Cause now even I can tell that I confused my feelings with the truth because I liked the view when there was me and you. Now I have to pretend like I don't really care. I love this record baby, but I can't see straight anymore. Keep it cool, whats the name of this club? I can't remember but its alright, a-alright. Just dance, gonna be okay, da da doo doo-mmm. Just dance, spin that record babe, da da doo doo-mmm. Is it still me that makes you sweat? Am I who you think about in bed when the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you're sliding off your dress? I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck than any boy you'll ever meet, sweetie you had me. Tryna decide, tryna decide if I really wanna go out tonight. I never used to go out without you, not sure I remember how to.

Scene Culture

So whats up with the scene culture? Everyone's doing it nowadays. Looking at the bunch of year 10 kids walking around these days.. its actually quite disturbing. Although I must admit, I myself am drawn into it :) So check out the the different scene cultures on this website I found and figure who YOU are in today's teenage crowd. Its really interesting. Highly recommended:

http://www.dobi.nu/yourscenesucks/scenesters.htm

Personally I find One Tree Hill to be the biggest influence on the subject in my life. Its where I got countless new music, artistic insight and inspiration from my favorite fictional character of all time Peyton Sawyer :)

Thats her My lovely angel of death :) Heres more...

So she previously looked gothic. She's actually punk. This is her artwork. It was used as her album cover 'Friend with Benifit' - YES, she is also a fellow music junkie like moi ;) Isn't she perfect? heheheheh..

The next picture is another illustration by her. You can more or less figure out the message. 3 people shooting a burning heart with the number 3 inscribed on it.

The lights are actually supposed to be all red to show the words "People Always Leave". Its an animated picture actually but for some reason it won't move here. Owh well.

Here are a few more items on my moodboard to jog your thought:

An outfit I designed myself on dollmaker.
Lastly, my own experimentation:

I miss syafiq! :(

Really! I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! :( Haven't had credit the whole dayy and heez still not back yet so cnt msn either.. siighs.. thts basically the only point to this post hehehe :D

Hmm.. while I'm at it.. I might as well tell y'all bout our weekend :D heheheh

FRIDAY: Dinner as we usually do every weekend. But normally he'd pick me up at 6.30 or something to allow for travelling time. But it was raining like crazy.. it always rains these dayyss.. so his mum came home late at 7.. so he only had the car by then... he ended picking my up at 8.15! :/ owh mann... but its ok.. I had bought Syafiq a bow and arrow set earlier tht dayy and gave it to him tht night :) hehe to cheer him up cz he was feeling down. i love youuuu :) we did have crazy fun with it! :D no pictures tho :P sorry. hehe. so anyways we wenna KLCC :) only the two of us this weekend.. kire cam dating laa.. cam dlu2.. daa lme x dating kan? ;) :D besss! I LOVE YOUU SYAFIQ NORZUHDYY! Anyways we ate at Sushi King. hehe.. sdp :) but i liked his food more than mine hehe... then we wenna Mun's hse... lepak there wid Mun and Black outside on the couchess... Mun was stupid and thought he had to make orange cordial with hot water like u do with coffeee. IDIOT! lol hehehehe! ape laa mun :P tp ok lerr.. interesting talk :) balik kul 12.. tu je laa...

SATURDAY: Saturday was MYYYY open house :D muahahahha! Was so tired that dayy hehehe. Woke up early to kemas2 the rumah and prepare before the guests came.. Guests started coming at like 2pm... Riya came at 3?? :) The second she came in my lil brother Syufaiq was SOO atracted to her.. and he kept coming and saying she's pretty and she has pretty hairrr :) Awwww! But its true! She lost weight and is SOOO hot now! :D And in her pink baju kurung.. So prettyyyy.... But she ate so much hehehehehe! She tried like everything hehehe.. my parents were quite amused hehe.. Then we went upstairs.. never to be heard from again... well.. not rlly :P anyways we were just hanging out in my purple room.. just on the laptop and talking n stuff :) it was kinda annoying cz my kebaya was tight as fuck! so it was kinda hard to feel comfy on th bed... and it was kinda hott... but i cudnt take it off cz theres so many buttons! and each time i wnted to go downstairs id hv to put it back on lol... so in th end i just tuk off my kain hehe... then sarong balik each time i wntd to go downstairs.. Towards the end at like 6.30 we went back down so Riya could have a second round of food hehe! :) then She went home at 7.30.. Thanks for coming Riya! I love you! :D Syafiq and Abg Ayim came later after Maghrib. Syafiq was soooooo hottt :/ make me melt :( luked so mature.. and syufaiq kept sitting on him.. which made him look SOO much more mature RAWRRR! teruk arr :P goda org senyap2 ;) hehe so drpd syafiq ngn nadin full mse dtg tu tp mkn jgak! nadin smpai TAMBAH!! ahahaha wow! :D nvr rlly see her each much.. mann my mum's the best cook in the world :D heheheh! :D Sayang smpai suruh me pack the dendeng for him to take home :P hehehe! Tp xpe laa b, she made it for you anyway. I was so surprised actually :P Me and Syafiq were honestly worried that our dads wouldn't get along or if my dad ignored his.. hehe.. thankfully tht did not happ :P But then they had to leave :( to maklong's hse.... i was so sadd :( i dint wna syafiq to leave.. i love him too muchh :( nanak nanak NANAK!! :( but he left.. anyways the last guests left at 11pm.. i think the conclusion would be that my CAT! LEO! got the most attention of the day :D hehehe cz heez so "HUUUUUUUGGEEE" as riya would put it :P hehehe.. my lovely fat cat. everyone loves u! MUAH!

SUNDAY: Tired like crazyy... bangun2 my mum told me to vacuum the house... since i woke up at 11, only did it at 12.30 hehehe! in the meantime was just lying down on the couch in th living room, talking, luking thru Haven mag.. hehe.. left the house to beraya at 2pm.. got my nails done :D! woohoo! and curled my hair.. lukd kinda nice today.. and wearing see-thru-ish modern purple baju kurung... went to neighbour's hse, then grandaunt's hse in gombak.. then Wangsa Maju (reminded me of Syafiq), Kosas (reminded me of Mun, Rudy, Black.. = Syafiq again), then Kmpg Pandan... then Jln U-Thant (reminded me of Ingga.. hence.. syafiq.. AGAIN) siighss.. it sucks! :( i dint hv credit to msg him the whole dayy :( missed him SOOOOOOOO SOOOOOOOO MUUUCHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! anyways the last hse ws abg ayim's.. we played bunga api and mercun... like the klcc ones hehe.. equivalent to 130rm burnt in 2 minutes :) heheheh! byk duit die.. nk basir his prob laa... pastu balik :) and tunggu my sayang balik.. which he has now :) YAY!

#SHOPPINGCRAVINGMANIA#

So I was walking around KLCC recently with my hubby... (Monday... and again.. today :P) Anyways... after eating we went window shopping.. we had a lot of time to kill and haven't done it for a while... TWO items caught my eye.. they were jackets.. so when i got home i tried finding pictures of them on their respective websites (AND google images) like crazy.. but failed :P alas the pictures you're left with are.. a sad attempt at representing the items..

1. A New York Hoodie. Moss Green + the word NY in gold sequins + gold trimmings. Brand: Everlast RM 119.90 (trust me, the real thing luks much more hip, and is cut to a girls body - its number one on my list)
2. A white puffy jacket from Tommy Hilfiger. Furry lining :) RM almost 1000 (the graphic displayed isn't it.. but u get the general feel)

And here are other stuff:

Help me decide.. which DC shoe do i wnt? :)
I was thinking.. the second one :) Hmm... why don't you answer in the poll? :) ...if i bother making one after this...

The checkered shirt from Topshop. Goes with the whole country feel I've been trying out lately.. hehe.. although.. i have been seeing it around way too often... maybe i should find a variation from another brand so as to avoid standing in the sme room with a person wearing a like.
But better to be with skinnies perhaps for this shirt.. maybe greyyy :) Theres something to be on my list - new grey and black skinny jeans :)

The Sunray Waistbelt from Miss Selfridge! RM 99 rawr but my friend got it for rm50 at sale! Seriously the ONLY waist belt that fits me at an S-size.. since i have such an incredibly skinny waist :( its kinda sadening.. wish i had a tad bit bigger frame hehe.. but i guess i shall have to live the rest of my life being the petite girl that i am :) teehee! Oh joy! :D
Lastly, the black pencil skirt from topshop.. which is gone :/ but i still decided to put it in anyways just in case there are those branches out there which are slowwww hehe ;)
That is all for today kids! :D Muah muah muah! -Syuhida ;)

Selamat Datang fellow bloggers :D

HELLO! :D

Welcome to our very first joint-blog! :D We the blog owners, Syafiq Norzuhdy (the cute one) and Syuhida Silmi (the pretty one) welcome you to our shared space where you get the inside scoop on our lives. Yes, I know what ur thinking, you're so blessed right? ;) Muahahahahaha :P

Anyways since this is our first post, we shall inform you of the origins of the title... very briefly...

CAUSE ITS A SECRET!!! =P

Anyways,

SYAFIQ'S EXPLANATION: As you may or may not know, I refer to syuhida as to my cinta.. 'Cintaku' huhu. xD and I myself am somewhat of a converse fanatic :D wahaaa... so for me, there are two explanations to the title.
1. Cintaku is Syuhida, for she is my love xD and converse is me :)
2. We both also love converse :)

SYUHIDA'S EXPLANATION: The word "Converse", stands not only for the brand of which we completely adore... but also represents the importance of communication between two people, the communication within ourselves and communication with society. In any case, its a blog of expression as we regard literature highly :P hehehhee. And "Cintaku" aside from being symbollic of myself ;) shows our LOVE for this communication... Btw... im a lit student :P heheheheheh

Final words....
Goodbyeeee :D hehehhee keep reading our blog and stay in tune with our progressive rantings :P (if u can bear with it)

Peace out YO! xP